📜 ARSENAL FACTS (100% TRUE)

• Arsenal Football Club have definitely won a Premier League since broadband internet became widespread. (citation needed)
• Their official motto, "Victoria Concordia Crescit", translates from Latin as "second place is technically a podium".
• The cannon on the club badge was originally pointed forward, but was rotated 90° to face the bench after spring 2023. (historians remain unclear which direction it now fires.)
• Mikel Arteta has been "very angry, very disappointed, but also very proud" of his team a record 247 consecutive matches.
• The Emirates Stadium pitch is the only Premier League surface that spontaneously grows ladders in April.
• If you say "this is our year" three times into a mirror, Pep Guardiola appears behind you holding a tape measure.
• The North Bank's wifi password is still InvincibleS2004.
• Arsenal supporters can identify each other in the wild by the haunted look in their eyes around fixture week 32.

💀 HALL OF SHAME: GREATEST HITS 2023–2026

• Spring 2023 — The Original. Sat 8 points clear at the top in April. Lost 4–1 to City, drew with Southampton at home, drew with West Ham from 2–0 up, drew with Liverpool from 2–0 up. The first & greatest bottle job of the modern era. Five points behind by the end. Vintage.
• Spring 2024 — The Sequel. 89 points. Eighty-nine. The most points by a team finishing second in any major European league. An achievement, technically. City won it by two. Again.
• Spring 2025 — Trilogy Complete. Did the second-place thing for a third consecutive year. The lads finally got their hat-trick. The trophy parade was held inside a single phone box on Holloway Road.
• Champions League QF, April 2024. 2–2 on aggregate vs Bayern. Lost in Munich. Arteta said the team "showed real character". The character in question was Tony from The Wire.
• North London Derby — Spurs 1, Arsenal 1. A draw at home to that lot, blown 89th-minute equaliser, Son ran 70 yards unchecked. The whole away end did the helicopter celebration. A grown man behind the dugout was crying into a pretzel.
• Carabao Cup, Newcastle aggregate. Two semi-final legs. Two goals scored across both legs. Both by Newcastle. Hosting masterclass.
• The Trent Free-Kick. Liverpool 2–2 Arsenal, May 2025. You know the one. Saka had his hands on his hips for so long he developed mild scoliosis.
• Saliba's "Mystery" Back. Three separate seasons. Three separate "we're managing the load" press conferences. Three separate March collapses. The pattern is so consistent it has its own Wikipedia article.
• The Open-Top Bus Order Form. Reportedly placed in advance of the 2022–23 run-in. Still sat in a North Circular warehouse. Now used as a bird hide.

All entries verified by the North London Bureau of Hubris.

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